Last week’s record: 8-5
Season record: 35-20
As the newly (self-)minted overlord of this blog, I hereby forbid you from making fun of my wrong picks in the comment section. Only comments praising my greatness and Nostradamus-like qualities will be accepted. After all, not everyone can rebound from mercilessly mocking and picking against a Texans team that won 41-7 last week to be perfect. … But I’ll do it. You’ll see.
New Orleans at St. Louis
The Saints scored more points last week (62) than the Rams have all season (56). Oh and did I mention Sam Bradford might not play?
Miami at New York Giants
It would take a truly masterful Eli stinkbomb to help the Dolphins win. I’m not saying Eli doesn’t have it in him, I just think he’ll save it for a more important game later in the season.
Jacksonville at Houston
Even if the Jacksonville defense shows up like it did Monday night, I’m not sure the offense has another 12-point effort in them.
Arizona at Baltimore
Joe Flacco had one more passing yard in the first half of Monday night’s game than I did. Luckily for the Ravens, I think they could tell the Cardinals’ defense what play they were running and it wouldn’t matter.
Minnesota at Carolina
I honestly have no idea what will happen in this game other than Cam Newton is guaranteed to do at least one awesome thing and one stupefyingly bad thing.
Indianapolis at Tennessee
At this point I think the Colts would be foolish to win a game … but I still think it was unprofessional for the coaching staff to apparently mandate pregame shots on Bourbon street like they apparently did last week.
Detroit at Denver
If Matt Stafford can’t play this weekend the Lions should just play Calvin Johnson at QB and have him throw it to himself on every play.
Washington at Toronto Buffalo
Do they play the Canadian national anthem before this game? They must, right?
Cincinnati at Seattle
I’m going to start copy-pasting “this game is terrible” into my analysis of every game involving the Seahawks for the rest of the year.
New England at Pittsburgh
Bill Belichick was apparently very pleased this past week when his defense only gave up 28 points in a solid win over bye.
Cleveland at San Francisco
Why? Because one of my roommates is a 49ers fan and won’t stop reminding me that I haven’t picked them to win yet (and we all know how well that has gone). This will be worth it when they finally lose. I think.
Dallas at Philadelphia
NBC presents the who-can-underachieve-less.com bowl.
San Diego at Kansas City
Oh, Chargers. You always find the most interesting way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory and then give the other team no credit afterward. Never change.